Why You Should Never Ask “What Do You Do?”

 

It’s a phrase that rolls off the tongue so naturally: “So, what do you do?” Whether at a wedding, a networking event, or meeting a stranger for the first time, this question has become the default icebreaker.

But here’s the uncomfortable truth: asking someone “What do you do?” is often the worst way to get to know them. It reduces, boxes, and sometimes even wounds people. In fact, it says more about us — and our assumptions — than it does about them.

🎭 It Reduces People to Their Jobs

When you ask “What do you do?”, what you’re really asking is: “What is your occupation?” The assumption here is that a job equals a person’s identity.

But people are far more than their titles.

A nurse might also be a poet and the anchor of her community choir.

A matatu conductor could be a brilliant entrepreneur building an online hustle on the side.

A stay-at-home dad might be shaping his children’s lives in ways no salary can measure.

By starting with “what do you do?”, you flatten a whole human being into a single line of work.

💰 It Reinforces Social Hierarchies

Let’s be honest: in many cultures — including here in Kenya — asking “what do you do?” is a subtle way of ranking people.

If someone says, “I’m a CEO” or “I work in the UN,” you instinctively perk up.

If they say, “I’m unemployed” or “I’m just a casual laborer,” there’s often an unconscious downgrade in how you treat them.

This is dangerous because it equates human worth with economic output. It teaches us to respect the title, not the person. And in societies with sharp inequality, this kind of question quietly deepens classism.

🧠 It Limits Deeper Conversations

The script is predictable:

“What do you do?”

“I’m in finance.”

“Oh nice, which company?”

And just like that, the conversation stays trapped in shallow waters. You learn about industries and job roles, but not about the person’s heart, their struggles, or what makes them come alive.

It’s like judging a book by the library shelf it sits on, without ever opening its pages.

🪞 The Hidden Burden of the Question

We rarely think about it, but for some people, “What do you do?” is a painful question.

The graduate still hunting for a job feels shame answering.

The person who just lost their job feels exposed.

The single mother juggling hustles feels invisible, because her real work — raising children — doesn’t count as “something impressive.”

A question meant to “break the ice” ends up reinforcing feelings of inadequacy.

🌱 Better Questions to Ask Instead

If you truly want to know someone, you need to go beyond their payslip. Try asking:

“What are you passionate about these days?”

“What’s something exciting happening in your life right now?”

“What challenges are you working through?”

“What’s a project or dream you’re working on?”

These questions unlock stories, not just titles. They draw out values, struggles, joys, and depth — the things that make people human.

✨ The Bigger Picture

Life is unpredictable. Jobs come and go. Careers pivot. But who a person is — their values, their passions, their resilience — is far bigger than a job title.

By reducing people to “what they do,” we not only miss out on deeper connection, we also reinforce the unhealthy belief that a person’s worth is measured by their career.

So the next time you meet someone, resist the urge to ask “What do you do?” Instead, ask something that makes them feel like more than their LinkedIn profile.

Because no one is just a job. Everyone is a story waiting to be heard.